Whirlpool of feelings
by Fantony
Summary: Through little slices of life, Sebastian explains how spending time with Ciel sweeps him up in a whirlpool of feelings he had never experienced before. Shame, pity, anger, joy, jealousy... and love. Serie of one-shots, long or short! Sebastian x Ciel
1. Prologue

**Plot: **Through little slices of life, Sebastian explains how spending time with Ciel sweeps him up in a whirlpool of feelings he had never experienced before. Shame, pity, anger, joy, jealousy... and love. Light Sebastian x Ciel

**Disclaimer**: Kuroshitsuji will be mine when pigs fly.

**Note: **Sebastian delivers his thoughts as if he was speaking to Ciel, but that doesn't mean he is really talking to him. That's only his way of thinking.

_**Please, bear in mind I am French, hence the English mistakes! **_

_**Also keep in mind I have only seen the anime so far so this is a free interpretation of the character of Sebastian. **_

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**WHIRLPOOL OF FEELINGS**

**PROLOGUE.**

I had been wandering on Earth for centuries.

Sometimes in a human form. An old woman, a brilliant doctor, a corrupted priest, a young sailor...

Sometimes in an animal form. A crow, a black cat, a rat... Never as a dog, I despise dogs. They are the most disgusting and pathetic creatures on Earth. After humans, that is.

Sometimes in my real form, but that was pretty rare.

I've witnessed so many deaths. About half the European population dying of the Black Death within a few years, Native Americans being slaughtered, heads falling from the guillotine during the French Revolution...

I've witnessed all that without raising an eyebrow.

I've made unscrupulous deals with a countless number of humans, and devoured their souls without any remorse.

That was all my existence was about.

I was known as one of the coldest and cruellest devils, and even the other devils feared me.

But that was before.

Before I met you, Ciel Phantomhive.

When you summoned me, I thought you were one of those spoiled children I hate so much. They are loud and capricious, and so stupid they would sell their soul in exchange for a pony their rich father refuses to buy.

But the moment I saw you, being tortured, I knew you were not like them.

I could feel your craving for revenge. I could smell your unfailing determination. I could touch your lost childhood.

Then I knew.

I knew the other souls didn't matter anymore. Yours was the only one I longed for.

But your soul is not an ordinary soul. It is a precious treasure I have to work hard to deserve.

That is how I became your faithful butler.

I had no idea at that time that the contract we made would completely shatter my odd existence.

I had no idea that spending time with you would make me feel... human...

Being by your side is being swept up in a whirlpool of feelings.

Joy, pity, jealousy, sadness, shame, happiness, fear, anger... Love.

All those feelings my dark heart had never experienced.

For the first time in centuries, someone gives meaning to my existence.

Thank you, my Lord.

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_Thanks for reading! _


	2. His butler, flattered

_**CHAPTER 1 : His butler, flattered. **_

_Paris, Moulin Rouge. _

"What on Earth are they doing?"

"I believe this is French Cancan, that new dance everybody is talking about, my Lord."

"That's utterly gross."

Disappointment... You don't like the show and I failed to fulfil my duty to keep you entertained.

"Please forgive me, my Lord. I thought the Young Master would enjoy the show. Those persons are supposed to be the best dancers and the most beautiful girls in the World, so I thought..."

"Most beautiful girls in the world?" You cut me off. "Rubbish. Their make-up is so outrageous they look like prostitutes. Besides, you're far more charming than any of these women," you say in a detached tone, sipping at your tea, before you realise in horror which words have just escaped your mouth.

_Charming_? No one has ever called me that. _Charming_ is not a word people usually choose to refer to a Devil. Believe me, you wouldn't call me _charming_ if you saw my real form, but it doesn't matter. Right now, you find me _charming_.

In the semi-darkness, I can see the faint flush on your cheeks, and I'm sure mine would be red too, if I wasn't what I am. Fortunately enough, my cheeks always remain as white as porcelain and never betray me. I'm so flattered and so happy inside I can't suppress a smile.

You frown and look daggers at me.

"Sebastian! Let's go back to the hostel, I'm bored!" You snap at me, standing up.

I love to see anger burning in your eye, this is such an interesting feeling. Anger rules your life and overcomes all the other feelings. On the outside only, because you're a much more sensitive person than everyone thinks. On rare occasions, you lower your guard and give yourself away. You're then mad at yourself and try everything you can to pretend nothing has happened. It is so touching it is almost funny. A soft laugh escapes my throat.

"And stop giggling, you idiot. You're ugly when you chuckle!"

I cannot disobey your order, so I refrain from laughing, and kneel down.

"Yes, my Lord."

But it's too late, Young Master. You can be as unpleasant as you want, you can't swallow back the words you've said earlier, and I won't forget them.

I am one hell of a butler, but I am one hell of a... _charming_ butler.

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_Thanks for reading!_

_Published on September.20 2010_


	3. His butler, a gourmand

_**HIS BUTLER, A GOURMAND.**_

"Checkmate," you say in a bored tone.

This time, I didn't even have to let you win. I played very badly because I just couldn't concentrate on the game. Your last order still echoes in my head and leaves me perplexed.

_"Do not enter the kitchen this afternoon, Sebastian."_

That sounds so strange... What do you hide from me? I've been itching to ask you, but I just can't do that. That would be impious and unworthy of the butler of Phantomhive household.

"That game bored me to death," you tell me disdainfully, bringing me back to reality. "Come with me, Sebastian."

I follow you to the drawing room, where you invite me to take a seat in front of you.

"You probably wonder why I've been so mysterious this afternoon, don't you? Well, that's because I've decided today would be your birthday."

My... _birthday_? There you go again, then!

It all started last Friday, as I was clearing the table after dinner. Once again, you had barely touched your dish. No wonder you are so slim.

"Sebastian!"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"When is your birthday?"

Your question took me by surprise.

"Devils don't have birthdays," I replied, slightly amused.

You raised an eyebrow.

"You mean you don't know when you were born?"

"No, Devils just appear… "

"Appear?" You repeated, slowly.

"Yes, we can appear in different forms. Animals, humans, fire… But we don't really know where we are from, how long we will live… We don't grow up nor grow old… We just exist…"

"That means you don't even know how old you are?"

I was starting to be a little annoyed by your questions but I tried my best to hide it and I gave you a polite smile.

"No, I don't know… I've been there for so long… Several centuries ago… Maybe more… And I've travelled a lot… I remember the construction of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Joan of Arc being burnt at the stake in France, Christopher Columbus reaching the Americas, the Great Fire of London …"

I stopped short and looked at you. You seemed to be lost in thought for a short instant and then turned back to me, a cold look on your face.

"No name. No origins. No date of birth. All you do is wander endlessly on Earth in search of some decent human souls to eat now and then. Such a pathetic and meaningless existence…"

I opened my mouth to reply, but thought better of it. I got used to your scathing remarks a long time ago. That doesn't mean they don't hurt me, because they do affect me sometimes, especially when they are so full of truth like this one. But I have learnt to ignore them. You actually are the only person who can boast about being able to upset me.

Days have passed and you didn't talk about it anymore. Until today.

"Sebastian?"

I come out of my torpor.

"Are you alright?" You ask with a concerned look on your face.

I nod and smile at you. Your features relax.

"Fine. Come in!" You exclaim.

The door opens and Finny appears, holding a huge chocolate cake on a silver tray. I now understand why you had forbidden me to enter the kitchen. Finny grins, takes a step in and… trips on his shoelaces. Within a second, I jump, get back the knife between my teeth and catch the tray in mid-air. The cake falls back on it. Perfect timing!

Bard and Maylene let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh oh oh," Tanaka says, sipping at his tea.

"I… I'm sorry, Young Master… I…" Finny mutters as he gets back on his feet.

You roll your eyes in exasperation.

"Shut up!" You yell at him. "Maylene, the candles!"

"Right away, Young Master!"

In her haste, she drops a match and accidentally sets fire to her apron.

I immediately extinguish the small flames with a glass of water as she keeps on shrilling, panicked-stricken.

"Band of incompetents! Get out, all of you!" You scream, slamming your fist on the table.

Your body shakes with anger and your ears turn red.

"But the cake is supposed to be flambé with Grand-Marnier!" Bard protests.

"Enough! Just leave us alone! You've done enough damage for today!"

Maylene and Finny are on the verge of tears and I almost feel pity for them.

They all leave the room, slamming the door behind them. You close your eyes and place both your hands on the bridge of your nose, letting out a long sigh.

"I'll light the…"

"No!" You cut me off. "Stay where you are, I'll do it!"

"But…"

"Sebastian!"

I give up and sit down again.

"Yes, my Lord."

I watch you light the candles, one by one. There are twenty-five of them, so I guess this is the age you give me. To my current appearance, at least. There's something graceful, almost erotic about the way you strike the matches and light the candles. I just can't tear my gaze away from you.

You then close the curtains, plunging the room into semi-darkness and you now stand behind the cake. The soft gleam of candles plays beautifully on your face. I will never cease to be amazed at how handsome you are. Inside and outside. And that reminds me once again why I've been longing for your soul.

You suddenly look impatient and it startles me out of my reverie.

"Well, go on, Sebastian! Make a wish and blow out the candles!"

I had completely forgotten about that stupid human tradition. Make a wish… That is utterly ridiculous. Especially for a Devil. But you stare at me with eloquent eyes which manage to pierce my dark heart, and I can definitely not disappoint you. Anyway, I am obliged to obey… The contract…

I smile and close my eyes. A wish? Rubbish. But if that's so important to you, then I wish that our contract doesn't come to an end too soon, because even if I want your soul badly, I have to admit I will miss you when you're gone.

I take a deep breath and blow out the candles. Your mouth curls into a satisfied smile. You take the knife, cut a slice of cake, and place it on a plate in front of me. You then cut a slice for yourself and sit down.

"What on Earth are you waiting for?" You ask after a short moment.

I gulp. I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt you. To disappoint you. Not after all you have done for me. Fortunately enough, you answer your own question.

"Don't tell me you've never eaten anything but souls in your whole existence?"

I remain silent. You place your spoon back on the table, and let out a long sigh again.

"Don't worry, I will eat it, Young Master," I say, forcing a smile to my lips.

"Nah, forget about that. I should have thought about it before…," you grumble.

But it is too late. I have already shoved a huge piece of cake into my mouth. Maybe a little too huge…

At first it feels strange. I don't really know how to chew. Such a simple gesture for you, but such an unusual one for me. I finally decide to let the chocolate melt in my mouth and I am utterly surprised. Sweet but powerful flavours are enveloping my tongue, warming my whole body. I have never experienced such a thing before. Eyes wide shut, I fully enjoy this moment of bliss. I swallow and open my eyes only to see you staring at me, a stern look on your face. I smile.

"That is absolutely delicious, my Lord."

I thought you would be delighted, but you frown and stand up. I watch you walk toward me with a hint of apprehension. Have I done or said something wrong? Have I disappointed you?

"You still have a lot to learn, Sebastian!" You snap at me, although you seem more amused than annoyed, "You look a mess!"

You grab the napkin from my lap and cup my chin with your other hand. Then, delicately, you wipe my mouth, an intense concentrated look on your face. My heart stops beating.

"There...That's better," you whisper, looking up at me.

For a brief instant, we look at each other straight in the eye. Our lips are nearly touching and your breath quickens. You then look away, a faint flush on your cheeks.

"Happy birthday, Sebastian," you mumble.

I let out a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding. I had never imagined chocolate could bring such happiness. I want to tell the whole world I love chocolate. I want to devour mountains of chocolate truffles, clouds of chocolate mousse, castles of chocolate éclairs… as long as it makes you wipe my mouth again. I think I have become… a greedy butler…

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_Thanks for reading and thank you for your encouraging reviews too! :)_

_Published on october.11 2010_


	4. His butler, jealous

_**HIS BUTLER, JEALOUS. **_

_Phantomhive Manor, the night following a ball given by the Viscount Druitt._

The pendulum clock of the library strikes three in the morning as I'm wandering like a lost soul among the bookshelves, running my fingers on the edge of the books. I can't chase away the images of you dancing along with Lady Elizabeth, repeating the steps I had taught you. I just couldn't stand it. I felt like an invisible hand was crushing my heart. I had never felt that way before. Could it be... No, I don't know... I have no idea what it feels like... Whatever!

I think about Elizabeth and my mouth curls in disgust. She looked gross in that dress. Not to mention green really doesn't suit her complexion.

Alright. Bad faith. She was stunning, and all eyes were on her. Except mine. I just couldn't tear my eyes away from you. That black velvet suit was made for you. It makes you look like a perfect gentleman. Oh, I so wished I was the one dancing with you! Our fingers intertwined, we would have have been swept away in the whirlpool of an endless waltz...

The notes of _An der shönen blauen Donau_ still echo in my head as my fingers stop on what I was looking for.

I take the huge book off the shelf and place it on the table, blowing the dust off the cover. I take a deep breath and leaf through it by candlelight until I find the word I was looking up.

_**Jealous, adj**__. __Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position. _

I bit my lower lip. That's what I feared...

"Sebastian!"

I nearly jump out of my skin. You are standing in front of me and I just have time to close the book. How come I haven't heard you coming? I should definitely not allow emotions to overwhelm me like that. I stare at you. You look absolutely gorgeous, despite your tousled hair and your sloppy night clothes.

"What is the Young Master doing here in the dead of the night?" I ask, trying to hide my nervousness.

"Couldn't sleep. Thought I'd find you here," you mumble, taking a seat in front of me and resting your chin on your elbow. "And what are you doing with..." You glance at the book. "A dictionary?"

"I often read it by night, I always learn new words I had never heard about," I lie.

You give me a suspicious look.

"Strange nocturnal activity, if you want my opinion," you say, yawning.

I shrug and smile.

"You look anxious, Sebastian. Is there something wrong?"

You know me better than I thought.

"Not at all," I reply, forcing another smile to my lips. "Would you like some herbal tea, my Lord?"

I was hoping you would say 'yes', that would have allowed me some time to collect my wits, but you shake your head.

"No, thank you," you slur, playing with the quill I had brought with me.

"Then let me take you back to bed," I propose.

You shake your head again.

"Not before you tell me what's wrong."

I let out a sigh of exasperation but I can't help but smile.

"I've never seen someone as stubborn as you!" I gently mock you.

You frown.

"Don't even try to change the subject, Sebastian. Spill it. This is an order!"

I freeze. The contract... I have no choice. I can't lie...

"You're right, Young Master. I am quite upset," I admit.

You place the quill back on the table and raise an eyebrow, giving me your full attention.

"About what?" You ask, a look of concern on your face.

"When you were dancing with Lady Elizabeth earlier... I think I was... jealous..."

Damn it!

"Jealous?" You repeat, slowly.

I nod, trying to avoid your incredulous gaze. A few seconds pass by but it looks like an eternity.

"Wow...," you finally let out. "I... I never knew you had something for Lizzie..."

I nearly choke on those words. In other circumstances, having you thinking I could be in love with such an exuberant and annoying girl would have been enough to make me burst into laugh, but right now, it only destabilizes me even more.

"Oh, no! You don't get it, my Lord... I mean, _jealous_ as in...," my voice trails off.

This doesn't sound like me at all. I just hate losing control that way... When I finally dare to look at you straight in the eye, yours are focused intently on me.

"As in?" You ask, a look of determination in your eyes.

I usually love that look. Your determination is what I admire the most about you, but right now, I just wish you would give up and go back to bed.

"As in... I'd like to keep you all for myself."

As soon as the words leave my mouth, i hate myself for having revealing myself to you that much.

Your eyes widen, but then your features relax and a little laugh escapes your throat.

"Sebastian, you already have me all to yourself! You're the one I sold my soul to, remember? So I have no choice than to stick to you...," you pause, "... till death do us part," you scoff.

I roll my eyes. I'd rather not think about that for now.

"You don't understand..." I reply, fondly, "I _really_ mean that I was jealous of Elizabeth..."

You blink in surprise.

"And why would you be jealous?"

I look at you straight in the eye, and smirk.

"Isn't it obvious?"

Your turn to feel embarrassed. You look away, a faint flush on your cheeks. I stand up and lift your chin up in my hand.

"Tell me you're mine, Young Master."

You look panic-stricken this time, even though you try your best to hide it.

"Sebastian... I..."

For a short instant, you look completely confused and lost, but suddenly, you furrow your brow and seem to be struck with a flash of lucidity.

"Remember that I am the one who gives orders here. Anyway, I'm off to bed. See you tomorrow, Sebastian," you say, coldly as you stand up and push me away.

I gasp and I feel like I'm going to suffocate. It... hurts. It truly hurts. But what else could I expect, anyway? I watch you make your way to the door in silence. I feel like my heart is going to break into a million pieces. This is such an unpleasant feeling, I hate it.

"Sebastian!" You call when you reach the door knob.

I wince.

"Yes, my Lord?"

"If it's any consolation, I've never been in love with Lizzie," you sneer, giving me an almost devilish smile before disappearing.

Those words send a tingle up my spine, and before I even realise, my mouth also curls into a devilish smile...

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_**Thanks for reading! And thanks for your kind reviews too! I can't update as much as I'd like, because my work, my son, my husband, my house... keep me busy all the time! Lol. Not to mention there are fics I don't want to give up in other fandoms, but hey, I try my best! :)**_

_**By the way, in case you wouldn't know, **__**An der shönen blauen Donau**__** (The blue Danube) is a waltz by the Austrian Johann Strauss II. **_

_**Published on November.8 2010**_


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